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| 12:10am 05/09/2009 |
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music: Carmen McRae – 'Round Midnight
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I do something that annoys me greatly, and it annoys me now more than before, simply for the mere fact that I can no longer keep up the charade like I used too. I hold my stomach in when in public and I've been doing this for years and at some point it would just happen automatically - and even when it didn't - I don't recall it necessitating as much brainpower as it does now. |
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| 10:02pm 27/07/2009 |
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mood: Chae Yeon - Heundeulryeo (shake)
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We spoke for a good ten minutes, a female co-worker of his was with us but she kept her distance and let us chat. I felt comfortable and maybe it's my imagination but I think he likes me...there's something there. I don't know what it is but it was there today. I would like to think that had we been alone, I would have known the right questions to ask. |
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| I’m never satisfied. |
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| 10:59pm 07/07/2009 |
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music: Blossom Dearie - They Say It's Spring
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A co-worker asked me for a Compilation, just like it sounds, a bunch of songs on a recordable Compact Disc. I complied and given how music-centric I am, you’d think I’d jumping at the chance but I know better, it always turns into an extended game of second guessing myself and that not nearly as fun as it sounds (days on top of days). |
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| 08:24am 07/07/2009 |
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Great, I woke up at 3:00AM to find that I could not open my right eye - it was sealed shut with mucous discharge. I cleaned it out, went back to bed and woke up to the same thing three hours later. |
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Read 7 - Post |
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| 08:07am 06/07/2009 |
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music: Lorez Alexandria - Satin Doll
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I called out sick today, second time in seventeen months. I've been fighting a cold all weekend and I was wide-awake last night - I'm running on ZERO sleep and although I feel mentally alert, I don't want to risk it. |
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| 10:57pm 01/07/2009 |
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Today I had an opportunity to say something and I did nothing with it. |
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| I was blind. |
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| 10:39am 25/06/2009 |
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My gaydar is faulty…so much so, that I doubt it could ever have existed inside of me.
I refuse to open a can of worm by making my feelings known. If he were interested, I think he would have gotten the hint when I dropped off the little cakes samples from that bake sale and if I really had half of the common sense I sometimes think I have, I would have realized that the ….very confused look on his face was a clear indication that he had no idea where this was coming from or why I was doing this. If you like someone and that person surprises you with a treat, you're surprised - you don't have WTF? scrolling across this face like a banner ad. |
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| 12:32am 24/06/2009 |
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I passed by his office earlier today, I wanted to say something but he was on the phone, so I simply knocked and said, Good Morning.
I wrote up an interesting case involving a police scanner and so I made some copies for my co-workers but I took the long way back , passed his office again and was just about to knock when I saw that his co-worker was in the office along with him, so I gave them both a copy of the case. It was weird. It was just weird. |
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| no spellcheck. |
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| 11:27pm 17/06/2009 |
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music: Lorez Alexandria - It Might as Well Be Spring
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Is love something that you feel ready for or is it something you jump at when it seems within reach? Because it seems as though i'm approaching this whole thing with baby steps, mainly because this is all new to me and secondly because this all new to me. It's funny how love is so essential and yet going about these things is so complicated? He should know by now that there's a definite interest on my part. For Christ's sake, I gave him a paper plate with cake samples from the cake sale - if that doesn't scream "I LIKE YOU!"
But I can't read him. |
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| 11:44pm 13/06/2009 |
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music: Betty Carter - Open the Door
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My local library had a book sale earlier today.
I picked up The New York Trilogy, it looks brand new, The Twins of Tribeca (on five audio CDs, read by Ana Gasteyer and factory sealed!) and a something in Japanese about Ghosts on a Train, it has a few illustrations, kind of manga-ish.
All of this for Two-dollars and fifty cent. |
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| The simplest things are often the hardest to convey. |
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| 10:14pm 17/05/2009 |
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music: Bobby Darin - Mack the Knife
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A co-worker and I are being moved into a small office that should only house one person but in the next few weeks will house two (one of which is mildly claustrophobic = co-worker). It’s located in the E corridor, far away from my current seating situation and even further away from the guy (see previous posts). Speaking of which, I am, in a way, oddly relieved that this did not work out and at the same time just as equally devastated. |
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| Love is a cold, cold piece of ice. |
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| 10:50pm 12/05/2009 |
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music: Helen Merrill - The Masquerade Is Over
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Love I'm sure was not designed with me in mind, it was never going to happen anyway - as such, I shall no longer pursue it. |
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| Outcome... |
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| 11:02pm 05/05/2009 |
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music: Ann Gilbert - Tall Boy
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I walked into his office holding a covered Dixie plate and inside, six bite-sized pieces of various cakes. He was on the phone and waved me in, made an OKAY sign with his hands and pointed to the mini microwave in his office. He thought I wanted to use his microwave, which is something I have NEVER asked of him before and upon seeing the many shades of puzzlement across my face, he tried to get the person on the other end of the phone to shut up for a second (Ho...ho...hol...hold on...hold on...give me a sec.....hold on.). I swear I felt like leaving. He turned his attention towards me. I asked him nervously if he'd gone to the Bake Sale, he said YES automatically, not really paying attention to what I had just said, and then he said No. No. I felt like leaving again. I told him that I got him a few pieces as I handed him the plate and napkins. He said, are you sure? with a very confused look on his face and he clearly had no understanding as to why I was doing this and then I picked up the awkwardness of the moment and I felt as though someone had just lifted up the back part of my shirt and stuck a piece of ice on my bare back.
I told him I was sure and I left. |
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Read 5 - Post |
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| SELFISH |
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| 01:00am 25/04/2009 |
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music: June Christy - Spring is Here
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I think I've established that I like someone at work.
Here's my dilemma: there's a charity bake-off in about two-weeks, four samples will be sold for one dollar and that money then goes to charity. I'm sure he'll be there too…assuming he works that day.
Now, I'm pretty sure he's gay but I could be wrong, he could be straight and happily married.
Every so often, the He-Likes-Me percentage drops (he'll walk right past my door and barely ever say hello).
Anyhow, I was thinking of buying him a dollars worth of samples - I think this would make my feelings a little more known without having to say anything. However, if he's straight, he'll probably say to himself - What the fuck!?! and punch me in the face.
I *think* there's a mutual interest here and I welcome it as much as I fear it and I think I fear it a little more than I welcome it.
What if he likes me too? What then, I can't introduce him to my mom at any point - it will have to be as though he's my six-foot-seven-inch secret. Let me jump the gun here and assume that he likes me too and we start dating down the line, if I start dating him, my mom will most definitely pick up on this - I'm a homebody, I've been a homebody for over twenty-five years. I've never dated. Me leaving home to go anywhere other then the supermarket, local mall, doctor or work is so abnormal - that it's never happened. I mean - I can't even begin to articulate to you how blatant me dating someone would be. It would be like someone whose had a beard for the past twenty years suddenly shaving it off and expecting not to be noticed.
It's not even happening yet and the thought of that - a date, or many dates, or knowing that he likes me too and wants to see more of me - just seems so overwhelming.
And yet, at the same time, I don't think that my current situation is fair to him. He deserves someone who is out, someone who won't have to hide him from family members. He deserves someone who can bring him home on occasion, someone who has the time for him. I think that in someone ways - I'd be doing him a disfavor. |
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Read 4 - Post |
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| So Many Opportunities |
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| 11:07am 22/04/2009 |
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music: Ann Gilbert - Back in your own Backyard
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So there's this guy who I like and I'm pretty certain he feels the same way about me. We were in the elevator together last night, just us two and there were so many opportunities to say something or edge closer to really knowing whether there's an interest on his part or whether my perception of things is just a wishfully delusion.
We chatted and he has the most beautiful ice-blue eyes and I felt my heart racing, although I wasn't sweating, I felt like someone had turned on a blender inside of me and all the while, I wasn't outwardly nervous. I've fallen for plenty of people and at the same time I don't have much experience with this because I've never taken the next step, but this feels different, I've never wanted to be in someone's company as much as I do his. Even though we were alone in the elevator, and there's really no other way to feel about the moment, I was so mentally devoted to him, nothing about nothing else crossed my mind.
I was taking a taxi home and he was going to walk to the subway and a little voice inside my head said, "walk him to the subway" but I had already called a taxi, so I didn't but damn, I should have. There were so many opportunities; I could have asked him to wait a bit for my taxi, so that we could drop him off but I didn't want to seem too weird, I was afraid of how he might take it, I didn't want to scare him off. |
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| 11:32am 11/01/2009 |
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music: LURLEAN HUNTER - Under A Blanket Of Blue
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I'm not planning on doing much today, it's been snowing and there's a blanket of trudged-on snow outside, which has now become an unmistakable sheet of shiny ice. I have this nagging desire (responsibility would be the better word) to go to work and finish up some things, the office will be empty and I won't be bothered. If I do, this will be the third Sunday in a row where I've been at work, when I could be at home, doing nothing (recuperating from work) but still doing nothing. I make things unnecessarily complicated - tis a good thing I'm single. |
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| 07:10pm 10/01/2009 |
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music: Julie Wilson - My Old Flame
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I really like someone at work and that's all I'm going to say. |
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| 06:49pm 10/01/2009 |
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music: Rosemary Clooney - Mean To Me
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My co-worker (previous post) is okay. Turns out he had some highly elevated cholesterol readings.
I'm in the new office…( Read more... ) |
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| 10:22am 10/12/2008 |
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A co-worker approached two other co-workers and myself and told us that he was feeling hot and that his left arm was feeling numb and tingly. I told him something similar to: I'm not saying this to worry you but I think that might be a sign of a heart attack.
He then tells me that he slept on that arm - so he thought it might have something to do with that.
What surprises ME about ME- is that I didn't immediately go and look for a supervisor at this time. His speech wasn't slurred, he didn't seem disoriented and he's a large guy - over 320 pounds and prone to overheating and something hurting (knee problems).
An hour passes by and I see him in my old room sitting down with another co-worker, him looking pale and sweatier than a marathon runner. Paramedics were already on their way, they took his blood pressure, he was fine, they put some little doodads on this chest and he was fine too. They decide to take him to the hospital anyway - just to be on the safe side.
I'm upset at myself and I can't help but feel that this could have all been prevented had I immediately gone to a supervisor and told them what was going on. Sometimes I'm astounded.
He's not dead, the paramedics weren't sure what was wrong with him but I feel as though I let him down - maybe him coming over and telling us what he was feeling was his way of asking for help and I just let him down. I didn't do anything. |
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