"I won’t accept at this stage/anything that isn’t all I want”

I’m never satisfied.

2009-07-08T02:55:08Z

A co-worker asked me for a Compilation, just like it sounds, a bunch of songs on a recordable Compact Disc. I complied and given how music-centric I am, you’d think I’d jumping at the chance but I know better, it always turns into an extended game of second guessing myself and that not nearly as fun as it sounds (days on top of days).

te_recuerdo @ 2009-07-07T08:24:00

2009-07-07T12:20:20Z

Great, I woke up at 3:00AM to find that I could not open my right eye - it was sealed shut with mucous discharge. I cleaned it out, went back to bed and woke up to the same thing three hours later.

te_recuerdo @ 2009-07-06T08:07:00

2009-07-06T12:03:28Z

I called out sick today, second time in seventeen months. I've been fighting a cold all weekend and I was wide-awake last night - I'm running on ZERO sleep and although I feel mentally alert, I don't want to risk it.

te_recuerdo @ 2009-07-01T22:57:00

2009-07-02T02:53:18Z

Today I had an opportunity to say something and I did nothing with it.

I was blind.

2009-06-25T14:34:52Z

My gaydar is faulty…so much so, that I doubt it could ever have existed inside of me.

I refuse to open a can of worm by making my feelings known. If he were interested, I think he would have gotten the hint when I dropped off the little cakes samples from that bake sale and if I really had half of the common sense I sometimes think I have, I would have realized that the ….very confused look on his face was a clear indication that he had no idea where this was coming from or why I was doing this. If you like someone and that person surprises you with a treat, you're surprised - you don't have WTF? scrolling across this face like a banner ad.

te_recuerdo @ 2009-06-24T00:32:00

2009-06-24T04:28:13Z

I passed by his office earlier today, I wanted to say something but he was on the phone, so I simply knocked and said, Good Morning.

I wrote up an interesting case involving a police scanner and so I made some copies for my co-workers but I took the long way back , passed his office again and was just about to knock when I saw that his co-worker was in the office along with him, so I gave them both a copy of the case. It was weird. It was just weird.

no spellcheck.

2009-06-18T03:23:55Z

Is love something that you feel ready for or is it something you jump at when it seems within reach? Because it seems as though i'm approaching this whole thing with baby steps, mainly because this is all new to me and secondly because this all new to me. It's funny how love is so essential and yet going about these things is so complicated? He should know by now that there's a definite interest on my part. For Christ's sake, I gave him a paper plate with cake samples from the cake sale - if that doesn't scream "I LIKE YOU!"

But I can't read him.

te_recuerdo @ 2009-06-13T23:44:00

2009-06-14T03:40:24Z

My local library had a book sale earlier today.

I picked up The New York Trilogy, it looks brand new, The Twins of Tribeca (on five audio CDs, read by Ana Gasteyer and factory sealed!) and a something in Japanese about Ghosts on a Train, it has a few illustrations, kind of manga-ish.

All of this for Two-dollars and fifty cent.

The simplest things are often the hardest to convey.

2009-05-18T02:11:25Z

A co-worker and I are being moved into a small office that should only house one person but in the next few weeks will house two (one of which is mildly claustrophobic = co-worker). It’s located in the E corridor, far away from my current seating situation and even further away from the guy (see previous posts). Speaking of which, I am, in a way, oddly relieved that this did not work out and at the same time just as equally devastated.

Love is a cold, cold piece of ice.

2009-05-13T02:46:45Z

Love I'm sure was not designed with me in mind, it was never going to happen anyway - as such, I shall no longer pursue it.

Outcome...

2009-05-06T02:59:39Z

I walked into his office holding a covered Dixie plate and inside, six bite-sized pieces of various cakes. He was on the phone and waved me in, made an OKAY sign with his hands and pointed to the mini microwave in his office. He thought I wanted to use his microwave, which is something I have NEVER asked of him before and upon seeing the many shades of puzzlement across my face, he tried to get the person on the other end of the phone to shut up for a second (Ho...ho...hol...hold on...hold on...give me a sec.....hold on.). I swear I felt like leaving. He turned his attention towards me. I asked him nervously if he'd gone to the Bake Sale, he said YES automatically, not really paying attention to what I had just said, and then he said No. No. I felt like leaving again. I told him that I got him a few pieces as I handed him the plate and napkins. He said, are you sure? with a very confused look on his face and he clearly had no understanding as to why I was doing this and then I picked up the awkwardness of the moment and I felt as though someone had just lifted up the back part of my shirt and stuck a piece of ice on my bare back.

I told him I was sure and I left.

SELFISH

2009-04-25T04:57:22Z

I think I've established that I like someone at work.

Here's my dilemma: there's a charity bake-off in about two-weeks, four samples will be sold for one dollar and that money then goes to charity. I'm sure he'll be there too…assuming he works that day.

Now, I'm pretty sure he's gay but I could be wrong, he could be straight and happily married.

Every so often, the He-Likes-Me percentage drops (he'll walk right past my door and barely ever say hello).

Anyhow, I was thinking of buying him a dollars worth of samples - I think this would make my feelings a little more known without having to say anything. However, if he's straight, he'll probably say to himself - What the fuck!?! and punch me in the face.

I *think* there's a mutual interest here and I welcome it as much as I fear it and I think I fear it a little more than I welcome it.

What if he likes me too? What then, I can't introduce him to my mom at any point - it will have to be as though he's my six-foot-seven-inch secret. Let me jump the gun here and assume that he likes me too and we start dating down the line, if I start dating him, my mom will most definitely pick up on this - I'm a homebody, I've been a homebody for over twenty-five years. I've never dated. Me leaving home to go anywhere other then the supermarket, local mall, doctor or work is so abnormal - that it's never happened. I mean - I can't even begin to articulate to you how blatant me dating someone would be. It would be like someone whose had a beard for the past twenty years suddenly shaving it off and expecting not to be noticed.

It's not even happening yet and the thought of that - a date, or many dates, or knowing that he likes me too and wants to see more of me - just seems so overwhelming.

And yet, at the same time, I don't think that my current situation is fair to him. He deserves someone who is out, someone who won't have to hide him from family members. He deserves someone who can bring him home on occasion, someone who has the time for him. I think that in someone ways - I'd be doing him a disfavor.

So Many Opportunities

2009-04-22T15:04:13Z

So there's this guy who I like and I'm pretty certain he feels the same way about me. We were in the elevator together last night, just us two and there were so many opportunities to say something or edge closer to really knowing whether there's an interest on his part or whether my perception of things is just a wishfully delusion.

We chatted and he has the most beautiful ice-blue eyes and I felt my heart racing, although I wasn't sweating, I felt like someone had turned on a blender inside of me and all the while, I wasn't outwardly nervous. I've fallen for plenty of people and at the same time I don't have much experience with this because I've never taken the next step, but this feels different, I've never wanted to be in someone's company as much as I do his. Even though we were alone in the elevator, and there's really no other way to feel about the moment, I was so mentally devoted to him, nothing about nothing else crossed my mind.

I was taking a taxi home and he was going to walk to the subway and a little voice inside my head said, "walk him to the subway" but I had already called a taxi, so I didn't but damn, I should have. There were so many opportunities; I could have asked him to wait a bit for my taxi, so that we could drop him off but I didn't want to seem too weird, I was afraid of how he might take it, I didn't want to scare him off.

I feel so held back by something.

2009-02-25T02:35:25Z

I fall in love too easily and that’s all I have to say.

te_recuerdo @ 2009-01-11T11:32:00

2009-01-11T16:30:39Z

I'm not planning on doing much today, it's been snowing and there's a blanket of trudged-on snow outside, which has now become an unmistakable sheet of shiny ice. I have this nagging desire (responsibility would be the better word) to go to work and finish up some things, the office will be empty and I won't be bothered. If I do, this will be the third Sunday in a row where I've been at work, when I could be at home, doing nothing (recuperating from work) but still doing nothing. I make things unnecessarily complicated - tis a good thing I'm single.

te_recuerdo @ 2009-01-10T19:10:00

2009-01-11T00:08:50Z

I really like someone at work and that's all I'm going to say.

te_recuerdo @ 2009-01-10T18:49:00

2009-01-10T23:47:39Z

My co-worker (previous post) is okay. Turns out he had some highly elevated cholesterol readings.

I'm in the new office…

We were off to a rocky start: different personalities, no windows and a backlog of work (the building blocks to a Shakespearean tragedy). There are a lot of things going on in the department (DRAMA with a capitol D) that I'm not privy to and although I would love to know what's going on (cause it seems to be quite Epic in scale), I don't want to be involved in the drama, I don't want to ask, I don't even want it to seem as though I'm interested, I want no part in it.

te_recuerdo @ 2008-12-10T10:22:00

2008-12-10T15:21:52Z

A co-worker approached two other co-workers and myself and told us that he was feeling hot and that his left arm was feeling numb and tingly. I told him something similar to: I'm not saying this to worry you but I think that might be a sign of a heart attack.

He then tells me that he slept on that arm - so he thought it might have something to do with that.

What surprises ME about ME- is that I didn't immediately go and look for a supervisor at this time. His speech wasn't slurred, he didn't seem disoriented and he's a large guy - over 320 pounds and prone to overheating and something hurting (knee problems).

An hour passes by and I see him in my old room sitting down with another co-worker, him looking pale and sweatier than a marathon runner. Paramedics were already on their way, they took his blood pressure, he was fine, they put some little doodads on this chest and he was fine too. They decide to take him to the hospital anyway - just to be on the safe side.

I'm upset at myself and I can't help but feel that this could have all been prevented had I immediately gone to a supervisor and told them what was going on. Sometimes I'm astounded.

He's not dead, the paramedics weren't sure what was wrong with him but I feel as though I let him down - maybe him coming over and telling us what he was feeling was his way of asking for help and I just let him down. I didn't do anything.

te_recuerdo @ 2008-12-05T11:26:00

2008-12-05T16:25:17Z

The move is happening today, my team leader has been nudging me gently and I'm trying to get this all done before Monday - which means Friday - which means Today.

te_recuerdo @ 2008-12-02T11:33:00

2008-12-02T16:32:36Z

After stepping away for so long, this all feels strange, especially now that things are different and yet there’s still a sort of sameness about it. I have a job, I take art classes and I still feel a tangible emptiness – a quasi-heartburn. I thought things would be better – I tossed everything on top of the unemployment bandwagon. If I was feeling depressed – I blamed the unemployment. If I felt empty, if I felt stupid, if I felt fat – I blamed the unemployment. Problem is – I’m working now and I still feel messed up inside.

I planned on being a pretty well-known artist by the age of thirty-two, so I signed up for art classes in September and I’ve been going every Saturday since. I really thought I’d be much better at this, I can sketch but I don’t know how to paint or blend colors.

Work and Play.

2008-11-30T18:46:23Z

This has been my desk, my chair - my workspace - for the last five months or so. Next week I'll be in a different room, with a much smaller desk and bad lighting.

I'm overly smitten with someone at work, someone who I only see on occasion - maybe one or twice a week and only briefly - just a few seconds, just enough time for eye contact, a quick handshake and a Hello but nothing else since we always seem to be at a complete loss for words but he seems glad to see me and I mean genuinely glad - not that fake kind of glad, where it's all teeth and show but no substance or at least that's what it seems like to me and my love-coloured spectacles. This kind of stuff is supposed to come naturally but anytime I feel the tentacles of love slapping around blindly, I swear its as though I just got tossed into the driver's seat of a Daytona 500 race car when I don't even know how to drive a regular car yet - it all seems so very out of control, so very mistake-prone.

It’s been a while.

2008-11-27T16:40:45Z

I interviewed and was hired approximately nine months ago; I didn’t mention anything before because they – like most places – have a six to seven month probationary period, where if you don’t meet their expectations – you’re fired. Things have been going well, except for the occasional mistakes here and there but they were few and far in between and none of them reached EPIC proportions (I realized something was wrong before submitting it). During these nine months, five people (one sat in front of me and another sat directly in back of me) have been fired and three quit.

May I just add that work-related stress feels a lot better than the stresses of being unemployed.

Happy Thanksgiving Day Everyone.

The slow makings of a possible camera whore : 323

2006-05-06T19:00:04Z

Not very work friendly.

Hidden, to protect the innocent.

Lookie : 322

2006-05-06T18:32:44Z

Let it be known that I am neither a good friend, nor a good person; I tend to distance myself when I’m depressed, which is often, sometimes a couple of months strung together. Then, after the storm has passed and I feel my mind going back to what it should be, I try to reestablish contact, but that doesn’t always work. I don’t blame them; it’s my fault anyway.

On a totally unrelated note, I bought a box of 24 Crayola® Colored Pencils.

Box of TAKE 5® candy bars : 321

2006-05-02T16:08:51Z

“Well good news, now all your friends can get a box of TAKE 5® candy bars to Bzz for themselves. Your friends who register to become a BzzAgent through the special website -- www.bzzagent.com/take5 -- will be invited to be part of an all new TAKE 5® TASTE AND BELIEVE™ BzzBlast! And who knows, perhaps they'll share a couple TAKE 5® candy bars with you for telling them all about the greatest candy bar ever.”